?

i feel like i've been sold a bill of goods.
i feel like i bought into a myth and it's destruction, or rather, my growing awareness that it is a myth, it frightening and depressing me.
what i thought being "grown" "up" is, isn't. there is no "grown" "up"
it is a process that begins when you aren't looking. i don't know if it ends. if i someday will feel "all grown up"
i
keep expecting things to happen that will not happen. then when they don't, i blame or doubt or question myself. when it. is. all. a. myth.

the good guys don't always win
you don't figure out what you want out of life and get it
there aren't always happy endings
instead it's a gradual process of gaining and losing

sometimes you win. you do something and even impress yourself
other times you feel a failure - when the thing you thought you'd have you just don't have.
i feel like it's my fault i don't have 2.2 kids, a dog and a significant other.
on some levels, i don't care - well, i don't care that i don't match everyone else. i know it's ok to be different and i am happy being the odd one out of many things.
what i don't like is, when the lonliness does hit, i feel like being alone means i failed.
i did something wrong.
i don't think i did anything wrong - made too many mistakes. but i feel like i did.

is there some process we are supposed to go thru? some obstacle course or slalom run where once it is completed we are fully realized, fully ourselves?

of course not. there's no plan i was designed to follow. there isn't really a right choice in any decision. what's right is what's right for me. right?

the thing that has be depressed is that it hit me tonight how transient things are. how no matter how happy you are right now, how perfect this moment in time or life things are, they will change. those friends who you love and and fascinated by and can't get enough of will someday leave you, or you will leave them.

they will marry, they will move, some slight will occur or an accidental incident will damage the trust, sometimes these things end badly, other times well - and the "friendship" will last over distances of geography and time, but

even if it lasts, it won't be the same. monthly calls vs daily chats, weekly emails instead of weekly potlucks. the sentiment is there, but the intensity, the real intimacy, can't exist anymore. and new connections must be made, the cycle repeated.

as i have said many times when contemplating the possibility of love, one's heart can't be pliable and open to these emotions forever. how many times can that intimacy be created, only to be lost? like lovers, like friends. how many times?

yeah, i know....have a more positive attitude. things will be better. you just feel down right now. Sure, i feel down right now, but it seems pretty honest to me that this is what happens and it does deserve mourning. These great relationships, both friend and lover, are born, flourish and fade. Yes it can be exciting to cultivate new friendships. but it can also be exhausting. how many times should you exhaust yourself and how do you know who to do it for?

well, 40 minutes until the end of my 34th birthday. an insignificant number on many levels. not ending in 5 or 0,

that number makes me feel really ensconced in the age that i age. ripening into it. really, really in my 30's. 1 year from 50% reduction in fertility. highly likely that if i marry it will not end in divorce, at least compared to a 24 year old, i am 5% more likely to get breast cancer than i was ten years ago, and many other stats i can't find now bc i am tired.

nite