Up to my neck

madrid

2008-07-04T08:32:00.002-04:00

la llegada. la cafeteria fue lo mismo. Fuera amazing! suin cambios en 14 anos.

walking andando del hostal from the hostel i kept expecting to see something familiar, something striking. I found the pizza place - many many changes but still there. Then I stopped dead in my tracks. I had completely forgotten about the dorm across the street where I funny, language geek friends stayed. Spent so many hours there but was shocked to see the building.

Stopped my the place I lived. Looks the same. kinda boring. Walking down the street wondering about La llegada - the cafeteria where we spent ALL of our time.

Not only is it exactly the same, Antonio, the kid who worked there is returning from the US where he works as an English professor in CT. He´ll be here Monday.

I left a note with my phone number-hopefully we can grad dinner or something.

45 secoinds left of i´net time. must go.....

code names

2008-04-03T21:03:00.002-04:00

they shouldn't be too clever. How do you know when they are too clever? When you go back and read your own post and can't figure out who you were writing about.

darn.

i just read a bunch of blogs - wistar and starhillgirl and lb and the single mama and i Wow. I am so lucky to have even met such creative and interesting people. How much they do, how sweet they are, how radically innovative and outlandish and special. Thanks mom and dad for raising me in such an awesome community.

hmmmm. They are all women. Does that mean anything?

good times

2008-03-13T22:36:00.003-04:00

with the writer from down below and the friend from round the corner. walked and talked and time flew by. along the river and around our little world.

then home ran into upstairs student and caught up with good conversation and potato chips and pears.

internetted and catched up with the pirate.

and now -
time for bed.

mountains vs roads (legs vs wheels)

2008-03-11T21:03:00.006-04:00

went for a bike ride on saturday - beautiful but chilly. should've worn the gloves with fingers. I found though, a lovely little path right in town that wandered through brush and trees and by a stream so perfectly.

today i went for a hike. up to the top of the mountain and down again. perhaps 3 miles? I have no idea. A quick jaunt up and back for a nice after-work afternoon. Thank you daylight savings time!

I found myself though, yearning to be one of those bikes I saw drawing itself up the mountain. How funny. How did I forget that I really like biking?

I know. I am not a cold weather biker - yet anyway. And there is no appeal to riding a stationary bike in a gym to stay in shape. So with time the appeal fades, and getting out the bike seems a chore, as it has been sitting unused and gathering dust. How sad.

What is the appeal? Smooth pavement flowing under your tires. The connection you feel to your body and machine as a gear change eases your effort. Wind rushing by your ears. Eye contact with a stranger, no need to talk. Pulling up and pushing down and seeing the world close enough to touch but far enough to keep at the distance you need so momentum continues.

Pushing hard up the hill - lungs hurt, legs pull, almost losing balance but - just making it over that last push. and then the descent - rolling rushing flowing blowing feeling of speed and freedom and ease and earned reward of rest.....that slow lee slows and eventually the pedaling begins again. So nice, so even. Just the right tension as one foot goes forward and the other pulls back. Not too hard and not too soft. Just right.

On the long flat stretches it may just be an impatience thing. How could I possibly walk all that way when it would be so much smoother and faster and slicker on my bike?

There is something though - to the walking. The something is the company. The talk that flows and the thoughts that are shared. These moments. The laughter and the openness. This is where connections are forged and friendships grown. For that, I love the walking. In the woods or on the walkways and streets, conversations over time. That's one thing the bikes don't always allow, at least not on the roads.

As with everything in this world - everything in moderation. The bike some days, walking others. Feed both the monsters. :-)

no editing, no rereading. just posting.

cleaning up

2008-03-08T17:06:00.001-05:00

or is it cleaning out?

every time I go to empty the spam folder i see a new link (via google ads) to yet another delectable spam recipe I could try if i just clicked the link.

does anyone ever click that link?

Last night....talkin' bout last night

2008-02-16T11:29:00.005-05:00

What a day-slash-week this has been. It was so busy and crazy and slightly broken and I forgot sometimes how good I have things.

Well, my dad's birthday was yesterday. He turned the ripe old age of 71. And he doesn't look it or act it. It's pretty incredible. Most folks figure him in the 60-65 range. These days though he talks like he feels old as the hills. The hills are sooooooooooo much older than he is.

It's this time in his life. For the past few years people have been dying and it's depressing. I know it must be so depressing. He is healthy and strong but has felt this fear. He needs to escape for a bit and realize that he isn't there yet. He will have his time. But, you can tell when you look at an old person that they aren't here for long. And he is not THERE yet. I worry that he won't get happy again and that makes me sad. He's got so much to enjoy I want him to enjoy it. He probably has 15 good years and a couple crappy really unhealthy ones. But if stays down like this, that won't happen. Attitude is such a strong determining factor. Most of all, I want him around to meet the kids i have someday, selfish girl that I am.

Anyway, an excellent man and family friend died recently. The funeral was scheduled for, of course, Dad's BIRTHDAY. Argh! How ironic, right? So we had made some birthday plans before we heard about this but it kind of took the wind out of the celebration plans for him. Oh, they guy was 10 years older than dad and had lung cancer.

Anyway, he and mom decided we'd go to cirque de soleil in a couple of weeks instead of getting together for the actual birthday. I thought that sounded quite excellent, but also thought he still needed a bday fiesta of sorts. Cville Yoga Buddy had already planned to visit them that night and she decided to bring a giant and wonderful german chocolate cake. We collaborated on timing once I knew their schedule.

Then I called r'noke Gym Buddy early Friday morning with the absurd suggestion that she ride with me to c'ville, spend a few hours with my family, and then ride home again all in one night. Not only did she agree to come along: she agreed with a happy eagerness that touched my heart. And we had a great time. We talked and laughed the whole way there and back, deep and meaningful, shallow and silly and once again I realized how lucky I am. How many people have as many deep and powerful relationships as I have had in my lifetime. I am so freakin' rich with lovely strong intelligent women!

Anyway, when I started writing I wanted to get around to the craziness of my week: windstorm and canceled school festival, adding another school and changing my schedule, being given conflicting directions to enforce cancellation of a school program, principal observation with a schedule change and no planning, and a crazy crick in my neck creating pain for an entire week. Work has definitely been the low place in my life these days.

But then one night with friends who are willing to spend hours with my parents because it is important to me reminded me of what's really important. Thanks ladies.

YAY - it came out in my hand this morning!

2008-02-13T22:31:00.003-05:00

good, b/c I wouldn'ta brushed 'em!

My cat has extra teeth

2008-02-08T07:34:00.000-05:00

I think his baby fangs didn't fall out and now he has two sets of fangs in the space most cats have one set of fangs. I wonder if cat dental insurance is something I should invest in?

a fulbrighter in kenya touches my heart

2008-02-07T23:23:00.000-05:00

so i've been reading this woman's blog for about 6 months now and she's just an incredible person doing what she can even when she knows it will never be enough. When I come home feeling tired and sad that I don't do enough, she reminds me that we must do what we can - not everything. If each of us just do that, it actually could be enough. And not to get discouraged when looking at the big picture.

She's got such a long story I can't possible relay it all to you - the summary is that she's been working with HIV+ kids in Kenya. There is an enormous problem there with the + children - some of this problem stems from the fact that everyone thought they'd die and they are living longer. Her most recent "project" is to bring 4 of the children from the camp where she spent the last year to America for a visit. She explains better than I ever could here.

If you know any wonderful, wealthy benefactor - or some one who has an extra 10 dollars, this is a project that will help 4 kids have a fun time in the short time they have on this planet. It's a chance to do something nice so I thought I'd share it with you (the 1 person who reads this I mean ;-)

last year at this time

2008-02-06T08:12:00.000-05:00

I was thinking better thoughts.....someone liked them so much they added them to their blog. I'll let you read it over there.

I need to start thinking about bigger things again I think.

paradigm shift

2008-01-19T16:21:00.000-05:00

I have always thought of myself as verbal (as you ALL know!) and perhaps a little ADD. I have trouble paying attention in class unless I am:
1) taking notes or
2) talking.
verbal, right? but then as I showered and wondered why i enjoyed that step class when it was so frustrating and fast i started to think....
...i remembered this dance class i took with my sister back in the late 80's or early 90's. It was hard but as we worked and learned it got better and that felt good. Then I remembered the dance classes I took in college (modern, african), the acting classes I loved and how physical they were, the swimming lessons I took early on saturdays in high school (i could already swim, i just wanted to get better), the salsa and the swing dances i have gotten into over the years.

I never realized how much I worked out in the past. Then I realized that I wasn't doing any of those things as a workout, but to learn them. Then it hit me - I like to learn through movement.

I am a kinesthetic learner.

I know, who cares, right? It's just a learning style. But this is groundbreaking for me. I always thought I learned by listening and then writing and talking. I do DO that, but I think I prefer moving around and doing something to talking about things. I think I channel that moving around energy into my voice, since that is all one gets to move most of the time.

How could I have never noticed this before? I mean, it is my job to figure out how my students learn and then present material to them in ways that is more easily accessible to them. How could I have missed this about myself? And more importantly: what does it mean for the future? How can I apply this new self-knowledge to improving things in my future?

I need to think about it more, but one thing is clear. I need to give this part of me more to feed on. I like moving and learning by doing. So I should do more of that.

well, I started this post days ago and then never came back to finish it. I will call it finished now and perhaps this will get me back into the swing of writing on the blog again. I want to keep writing here and so: I will.

nice, timely quote

2008-01-19T16:16:00.001-05:00

The honors Hollywood has for the writer are as dubious as tissue-paper cuff links.
~Ben Hecht (February 28, 1894 – April 18, 1964)

what my dad just sent me

2008-01-02T21:25:00.000-05:00

Great list! Some of the sites are even useful, the first especially.

> All of these are legitimate:
>
> www.whorepresents.com
>
> www.expertsexchange.com
>
> www.penisland.net
>
> www.therapistfinder.com
>
> www.molestationnursery.com
>
> www.ipanywhere.com
>
> www.cummingfirst.com
>
> www.speedofart.com
>
>

BlueGrass New Years Eve - Last of 07

2008-01-01T16:55:00.000-05:00

The short version (for those who don't want to read a whole lot):
Friends and I got together at my place, I drove the whole kit and caboodle (so they could drink) out to Floyd VA where we enjoyed mexican food, bluegrass music, high energy clog-dancing and noise-makers at midnight.

yeah, we are like that.

The long version:

I asked folks what they wanted to do for new years & got replies ranging from utter silence to "I don't know - what do you want to do?" Well, the multitudes spoke (by not arguing with H and I's idea) and plans were put into action.

I made a reservation at a nice place for dinner. We planned to walk down the street to see the bluegrass band after. Then I somehow figured out how $$$ that restaurant was. No way could we enjoy ourselves spending that much on a night with other things on the agenda too. So the search was on. A restaurant where we could eat at 8:15 near the Floyd Country Store. Floyd is a town, right? It couldn't be that hard, right? It's new years eve fer cryin' out loud. Right?

The folks at the Floyd Country Store were kind enough to tell me the names of some places, which lead to some interesting phone calls. I called:

a restaurant that closes at 8;
a restaurant that isn't open but thurs-sun (even closed on new years!),
a coffeeshop (no food).
Nothing. nada, zilch. zippo. uh oh...

So then I called the natural foods store. they deal with food, maybe they have some idea. So I asked them for advice. They told me about a new mexican place. Mexican! Sounds great AND cheap. Now how do I call to make sure they are open?

Not listed in information. Not on the internet (tangent story as I discover how many Floyd County bloggers referenced this new place - woah - we should call it Blog County). Wait - the natural foods store said the mexican place (El Charro) is near Under the Sun Gallery. So I call the gallery....

It rings long enough for me to worry (it is 4:56 at this point). Finally a lady answers....and she goes down the hall to the restaurant and asks for me. Yes they are open! Yes we can eat there! Yes and Yes and Yes! All is set. I make the confirmation calls and get ready for the evening.

Well, folks start to gather at my place round about 6:30 pm, voices and beverages flowing through my home, infusing it with life. This is what I love. Being together with friends. Low impact, comfortable. We pile into the car and head out, 39 miles on windy roads. (On a side-note here, I was NOT drinking, as I was driving.)

I aimed for but missed one raccoon (kidding - I simply vowed to sacrifice the raccoon instead of the car when worried voices wondered), only had to pull over once for gas and once for a bathroom stop. The stars shone down brilliant and strong as we drove along, anticipating whatever Floyd would offer us.

In Floyd, I followed the directions carefully:
Turn left.
Park your car.
I smile. There is only one intersection in Floyd. Wonder how I'd do if I moved somewhere like this...

We park behind H's car and descend into the restaurant where she awaits us, full of the news that the restaurant is too new to serve alcohol so it's a teetotaling new years for her. Flask bearing friends create whiskey-doctored cokes and her sobriety abates. We feel silly and young. I smile as I look around the table at these people I have gotten to know. This is our first new years as friends, but that seems impossible. Haven't we been together forever? I am in love with us, with our lives, our potential.

The food arrives: simple, fresh and good. I have the Favorita: a burrito, an enchilada, fresh guacamole, crisp lettuce, tangy winter tomato it's just perfectly what I needed. Much more than I needed. A. has a vegetarian special that could feed three. The table slowly quiets, and salsa music fills our conversational gaps...chefs (or cooks or dishwashers) grin slyly through the kitchen window as they watch us eat. I wonder what they are wondering as I grin and eat. I realize I have been dancing in my seat, but I don't stop.

Bellies full, we pay and wander outward, up the stairs, wondering what the bluegrass experience will yield. Two door down we find it, light and sound expanding out the door, we enter and experience the Floyd Country Store.

Not to drag the story on too terribly much longer, we cast our inhibitions to the wind and danced with abandon, copying the simpler dancers, respecting the fantastic ones. We meet two lovely ladies from Culpeper who chose to spend their new years here as well - slender, tall, intelligent; we recognize RC sat by them accidentally, but secretly I think karma is rewarding his kindnesses. Charmer that he is, we leave two email addresses, and 2 friends, richer (well, he does anyway).

Well, H and A and N felt the urge to leave a little early, but S and RC and I stayed through to the end. At one point I felt a little tired. One flatfoot dance later, my heart was pounding, the energy returned.

Last thoughts - Brave Rodney, missing many front teeth, wasn't at all concerned and continued to close-talk any willing (or not so willing!) dance partner. Eddie from somewhar jest down tha road 15 miles, the two women whose laughter carried far, far across the room into the night, the folks from AA who came simply cause they heard there was a nonalcoholic new years celebration, the sweet lady who jumped into the square dance melee when she saw I was without a partner, the cool kid with the cowboy boots and the crazy jumping/knee switching dance thing he did, at first wondering why everyone left the floor between songs until finally dancing and realizing how hard it actually is to do, kazoos and horns and organic sparkling pear juice at midnight.

Happy New Year, to my friends new and old.....much love and luck and space and time in 08 to simply be: happy

a little video for ya:

comments fyi to those who asked

2007-12-30T17:25:00.000-05:00

if you want to comment and don't have an account, under the comment you write you'll see an image to type into the box. after doing that, scroll down - there is a place where you can choose "anonymous" - if you choose that, your comment can appear and you don't have to log in to anything.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T15:25:00.000-05:00

That's all. Thanks for being there you people who make my life full. My world wouldn't be as good a place without having known you.

What's better?

2007-12-24T09:49:00.000-05:00

A question I am pondering: What's better: Stability or the unknown? Continuity or continuous change?

Next year, do I want to be able to walk to work from my house or to live and work in Valencia, Spain? I think I will apply to do both - but what if I got both jobs....which would I choose? There are strong arguments for both.

Yes, this is a personal question. Just thought I'd ask....

No election board to start an election year.

2007-12-22T16:19:00.001-05:00

Go government. You people are so annoying. geeze. my cat just farted and it's because of things you do like this, you government weenies. I wish there was someone I could trust.

This is a response to this article (you might want to read it first):

As Primaries Begin, the FEC Will Shut Down
No Quorum on Election Board As Nominees Stall in Congress

By Matthew Mosk
Washington Post Staff Writer

Saturday, December 22, 2007; Page A01

I was annoyed that the politicians are playing chicken like this. The dems don't like the republican and the republican doesn't like the dems, or so they say. As you read through the article, it says if this doesn't get solved quickly, funds could be denied to the Edwards campaign.

So, this could be a problem created by dems who want a hilary or obama ticket. Or not. Great, thanks a lot leaders.

Also, this article was seriously edited and buried inside the Roanoke Times. It didn't even mention the Edwards campaign in that version. Perhaps they just didn't have the room. Or didn't care. Who knows. I couldn't even find the short version on their website. Thank you for existing, Washington Post.

So:
I can't trust the media.
I can't trust the politicians.
I can't trust the elections boards.

~makes you want to move to Spain or something~

Have a happy weekend!

instead of nagging i am blogging

2007-12-18T21:41:00.000-05:00

so i found this job advertised online the other day and sent them an email. It sounds so nice - working in a preschool or kindergarten in spain. cool!

well, I sent them an email on Sunday and here it is Tuesday and I am dying to hear anything. It's highly likely the posting was a phishing scam seeking emails to bombard with "work abroad" spam. if you go on those boards at all, you'll see tons of that.

so far though, my junk email address has only received the normal amount of junk, so perhaps it was legit. I know they need time to read through all their emails and decide I am a good candidate, but i am still impatient. i know there is a lot of time but wouldn't it be neat if I could start working on working abroad? living abroad? i have this fantasy me who lives in spain and she wants to live. c'mon cool ad - be interesting and pay a living wage....

anyone know what DoS is? as in:
"...and will be looking for future DoS candidates as well."

(significance of color change? nope, none. I copied and pasted the sentence above and now this. sorry)

so i was about to write them to make sure my message wasn't lost or missing or overlooked and then i realized it has only been two days and i am being silly so instead i am writing here.

i don't know if i really want to move abroad next year, but i do know that i will live abroad someday. And currently I feel like i am sitting around getting old without being that happy about my life.

I am not too thrilled with what i am doing these days. If the administration were supportive, i think i would be ok but combining thankless work (and busy work and paper work) with some (not all, definitely NOT all) thankless people (and criticism without complement by people who don't seem to know what they are talking about) makes me crazy.

Perhaps I am too sensitive or too serious or too something but it will not last for me like this. I have gone down the road of working where i didn't really belong. It is not a good path to stay on. I need gainful employment, but I also need respect - for me, for individuality, for people. I want to pick a new direction, start working towards a new goal, not slowly fade into myself, trying to change myself in ways i cannot change, and ultimately feeling a failure.

Spain may not be my next step, but it's an idea. I need where i am now to be a building block on a path somewhere. If i don't have a reason to BE and something to be GETTING, i will not be able to suck it up and stay. Sorry, bottom line is, i guess, what's in it for me? What a horrible thing for a teacher to say. I am there for the kids. Right?

his first and most famous shot

2007-12-18T21:39:00.001-05:00

2007-12-18T21:37:00.000-05:00

he's getting soooo big....

the shopping season - or how i learned to stop procrastinating and have some fun

2007-12-16T17:54:00.001-05:00

so this month is always a burden for me. my self gets so confused as i worry i am letting myself down as i act to make others happy for the holidays. i want to get the gifts for people that they want and need and like. i do NOT want to:

1) buy junk
2) give junk
3) support a non-local business with my money
4) give things to people that they don't need or want
5) give a gift that is not thoughtful
6) give a gift that creates work or problems (a puppy for example)
7) contribute to the consumer culture in which we live (but I HAVE to do this to make people I love or work with happy)

I must do some of these things that I do not agree with so fighting or dreading it does nothing but make the process harder. Due to my conflicted emotions, I went shopping without much of a plan - mostly just the sense of dread and stress. Luckily, I went with The Most Efficient Woman in the World.

The Most Efficient Woman in the World (i'll call her Tmewitw for short) has this uncanny ability to stick to her plan and timetable. I envy this ability. I do enjoy that freefalling way I go through my errands, but I find that I am taking longer and longer than I did in the past - and not wanting to go because of that.

Well, we walked into and out of one store and I realized instantly that I needed to deep breathe and make a plan. The fear that I will not give someone wonderful something wonderful paralyzed me for a bit. We talked and I wrote some ideas down and then we were off.

At the end of that day, I had almost everyone I wanted to buy for bought for - and plans for the rest. At the end of today I was done.

Guess what....?
All local businesses except 1 small purchase.
All quality things I know will be liked.
All appropriate and fitting for those who they are for - even the annoying work presents

I feel damn happy about it.

So thank you, tmewitw. Your ability to continue moving, keep your eyes on the prize, and encourage the momentum is a wonderful gift. And when you want to forget your schedule and sit in the park for 3 hours, wander junk stores in search of one random treat, or drive aimlessly on the parkway - I am your girl. I can help you channel that aimless energy when you feel you need to.

And I will channel you as I go forth into this next week with renewed vigor.

Thank you and happy merry chrismahanukwanzika

thank you onestar....

2007-12-12T10:33:00.000-05:00

I always thought I could do anything if I only tried harder. Now I know it's true....

link to her blog

but here's a little summary:

The Secret to Raising Smart Kids

Hint: Don't tell your kids that they are. More than three decades of research shows that a focus on effort—not on intelligence or ability—is key to success in school and in life...

the article

tag accepted....

2007-12-10T23:16:00.000-05:00

Put "likes to" with your name tacked on the front into your fave search engine and post what you like to do. Or don't like to do, as was the case for me.

B**** likes to be a squirrel. a leaping one.

B**** likes to write children's books and she likes to read

B**** likes to read books about Witches and Vampires

B**** likes to be restrained. I mean, really, really likes it.

she also likes to climb trees and go flying with her daddy

many thanks to caved for the bizarre time-wasting idea.

selling the market building?

2007-12-05T10:23:00.000-05:00

where is a good investor when you need them!?

http://www.roanoke.com/news/wb/142227

this could be such a wonderful opportunity for the downtown community

or it could really hurt this town

what will it be?

oliver? you interested?

reverent agnostic

2007-12-01T13:40:00.000-05:00

so i must be an intellectual simpleton. I just read The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible, and I enjoyed it. A lot. According to the nyt review,

"Far from creating an overall sense of living by biblical law, this book moves skittishly from topic to topic and generally forgets an idea after Mr. Jacobs has briefly toyed with it. Although he’s a very facile writer and even a successfully glib one, he has managed to bring a kind of attention deficit disorder to the theological constructs that are trivialized here."

Perhaps it's my own undiagnosed ADD, but I found his exploration of religion very interesting. I was raised in a similarly secular environment, having both Jewish and non-Jewish relatives (recently I learned the non-jews are probably Episcopalians). Never celebrating a religious holiday. I'm sorry, xmas was not a religious holiday for me; it was an American holiday.

I never went to church. I have vague memories of chocolate bunnies in easter, attended a midnight mass in high school, a bar-mitzvah in middle school. Most of my religious experience is cultural - If it weren't, I wouldn't have gone. Recently I attended a babtism in a local Catholic Church - all in Spanish. I have no problem with a moment of silence in school - we should take time to savor things, but no one should dictate how I savor things, whether it is through prayer, meditation, or simply taking a little time-out before starting my day. A couple of years ago I started wondering if I needed some more spirituality in my life. Before moving out of my hometown, I went to a couple services at the Unitarian Church. I enjoyed my visits there, but didn't quite feel like I belonged. I moved away before exploring it more fully.

Recently I have been practicing yoga frequently.

I am not religious. I don't believe in god. (I feel a little odd typing that because it is so forbidden to be a nonbeliever. please don't smite me.) I just read something today about an atheist who changed and became a believer because he one day decided that things were just so damn complex there had to be a reason for it all. I see the point, but then think I am arrogant to believe any of this exists for a reason. Delusions of grandeur. Who knows. I am not going to figure it all out today.

Anyway, he states in the introduction that his subtle feeling was that all non-secularists choose which parts of the bible they think one should follow. As he tries to follow these rules, some for a day, some all the time, he exemplifies why this is true, and necessary. He proves how necessary it is to pick which parts to follow. For example, in one passage women are forbidden to speak in church. How could that possibly survive in today's society?

He learns about the good part of religion - the wonderful part - it must be fluid and evolve to survive. Archaic, literal interpretations are beautiful (and hopefully safe) but the reason the whole idea of religion in our society has survived is because we allow (it allows?) interpretation and changing with society's evolution. Proof that intellectual evolution exists?

After reading the book, I felt like I'd gone on a long journey with him. I wasn't ready for it to end. I read his thanks and notes at the back, all the book jacket reviews, some amazon reviews, and the nyt review.

In the introduction to the book he explains that he has been pondering his own lack of religion and wondering how he should present religion to the child he has, the children he will have. I have had this thought at times too. Not that I want to raise kids in a religious environment, but that I missed out on having a community outside of school and family. It might be nice to be part of a larger community than those. Especially when i was an unpopular child, a local network would have been nice.

Well, he has a few conversations and then a book idea comes to him. Try to live as "biblically" as possible for a year. It is not a "pure" book. He didn't have this experience and then decide to write about it later. It would probably be a better book, if that were the case. Though far less marketable. The quick joke for public consumption, stupid publicity photos and silliness however, are what attracted me. This is not a book for the seriously religious - it is a book for those who are curious or feel like they need a little more peace in their lives. It helps folks like me rule out some directions to travel - and opens up some others.

He did bridge a little gap between secular and nonsecular readers. The book-jacket comments are from scholars as well as pop media reviewers. And his story connects all of as as we search for our own sense of reverence in an irreverent world.

In the last chapter he uses the term "reverent agnostic" which I like very much. I truly don't feel a higher power out there, triggering the big bang, hoping us humans get it together. Why would we be the ultimate creation? How arrogant! But at the same time I don't have proof that this is not the case. Perhaps our god is the alien toddler and we are the ant farm. Who knows.

I had the idea this morning that perhaps the bible was just written by men who thought these would be good rules to live by, but no one will listen to us - let's say it came from someone bigger and more powerful who ultimately will judge you - then people will listen.

It's not a bad idea to bite your tongue when you feel like making a snarky comment. Or to obey the law (and not speed). Or to take a little time out and mentally or verbally give thanks for what you have. ok. Baba Ram Das. Be Here Now. Yes, I have this revelation every couple of years. Cheers to having it again!

Graveyards for Freedom

2007-11-28T15:47:00.000-05:00

My Dad just sent me this story from the Rutherford Institute. The author, John W. Whitehead, describes how we are acclimating to a police state, a 1984-esque lifestyle, without even noticing. This change is palatable because we are "saving the children". And as they grow up, accustomed to a lack of privacy, those invasions of privacy will start to seem less, for lack of another word, invasive to us as a popular culture.

It reminds me of a term I heard recently shifting baselines. As we grow to accept new practices, we forget the old, and then one day the world is unrecognizable and not what we want it to be. Am I a conspiracy theorist?

I worry as I get inured to these concepts that used to enrage me. Am I 'growing up' and realizing I need to pick my battles - you can't win them all and you can wear yourself out trying to fight them. Or am I allowing what was once unacceptable to get away with existing and sometimes even thriving, without a peep out of me. How much of my shifting baseline is acceptable?

Note

2007-11-22T04:48:00.000-05:00

The post before this one is the first time I ever used links.

Max Caffeine

2007-11-22T04:20:00.000-05:00

I had a great experience on my way northward today.

After work I went to lunch and took a walk with Adrien but I was feeling kind of sick and weird. Something will not stop dripping down the back of my throat no matter what i do. I was also tired from kitty cat cavorting in the night and so, irritable from said throat, tossed myself onto my bed, ignoring all the work that needed doing before traveling today.

After a brief nap (10 min? 1 hr? no idea) I got up and proceeded to do what I could to ready myself and my home. Two lights blew out (oh, the poor house-sitter), dishes are not finished (it was dark) but cats were fed, watered and happy. paperwork filled out, and vital things done. The superficial can wait.

After finding my keys, 10 trips packing the car (food? check. kitten? check. bag o stuff? check. computer? check) etc etc....Go to pet store and buy litter, litter pan, and new fancy cat food recommended by pet-sitter. Hurry out...it's time to run thru st-ucks and get on the road. I wanted to leave early. Oh well. Sanity is more important i think.

In the driveway there is no line. i peruse the menu at my leisure, deciding on a large regular coffee as adequate sustenance to make it through the two hour commute tonight.

"Welcome to St-ucks, this is Natalie, what can i get for you tonight?"

hm. i know a natalie. but she's too cool to work at st-ucks. but that voice sounds familiar. So confused I am that I decline milk and sugar. I always use milk and sugar with st-ucks coffee.

Pulling around I am excited to see it is Natalie! The famous and fabulous Natalie of NoShame Fame. And she is excited to see me, too. Her first words are something like, "Wow! It's You! What can I give you for free? Anything you want! Here, have this coffee cake!" And then she sees Max.

You see, Max likes to walk around in the car. It is his "thing". (Well, if a 4 month old kitten can have a "thing", that would be his). Seeing her delight, I jump out of the car, pull out the kitten, and hand him through the st-ucks window (while being respectful of all food handling regulations and sanitation concerns) and Natalie proudly displays him to her co-workers and friends. He handles it with his usual calm, slightly confused and curious demeanor. What a trooper.

Happy, rejuvenated, and thrilled to have had a simple surprise human encounter, I start on my journey.

Oh, but I do make one last stop (i was so BAD) Not only did I go to st-ucks, I drove thru the Christian Chicken place and got a sandwich and a lemonade. I was STARVING and it was right THERE. I am sorry planet, badly raised chickens and people who resent the christian majority, but I had to eat. AND now i have to complement them. The entire drive-thru was completely full - thats F.U.L.L. and it took about 2 minutes to wait, order, pay and leave. I got what I wanted, they were nice, it was good. The lettuce was awesome. Totally impressed.

Anyway, then I zoned out to mediocre comedians all the way to c'ville. It was so nice to come in and see mom and dad and chat with them. It's funny though - they really want to talk and keep asking me questions but I am too tired to be informative and entertaining so I finally had to request relief and television. We will talk it all out tomorrow.

Oh. Mr Max made it safe and sound, alternately sleeping on the back of my neck, on my lap, and on a pillow throne in the back seat. He likes to watch cars and trees go by. What a smarty. Traffic was fine. A little heavy but fine.

Now Max has thoroughly inspected my bedroom and (hopefully) can drum up enough fatigue to get us through the night. He will be here thru late tomorrow, early Friday, and then Apple will cat-sit for a day to get her kitty-cat on.

My parents keep the house at 75 degrees and the only blanket I can find is a winter-thick comforter. Here's hoping I don't sweat away to nothing throughout the night!

i'm so excited

2007-11-19T16:01:00.000-05:00

i planned a small sedate brunch at mom and dad's the day after thanksgiving to have a small group gathering with friends to celebrate my birthday with them.

Not a birthday party. Certainly not a ploy for gifts (no gifts, please)

and so many folks have contacted me who i haven't seen or heard from in so long, this is turning into quite a wonderfully interesting group. i didn't even think that folks might be visiting from places far and away. yay!

hopefully ma and pa won't mind too much - I think it'll top 10 people -
and so many
from so many
different parts of my life. old and now.
how very nice.

so far i have spoken to :
matt, nikki, kate, tay, c-dog (s/he's a secret), annaB, andrew, apple, jeremy, mom, pop, me...a nice gathering...

you come too?
*******************************************************************
Follow-up:
We ate, we talked, we watched movie, we sat around, we talked, we bonded, we advised, we thought, we laughed, we did what friends do. It was the best.

i love everyone

2007-11-18T19:14:00.001-05:00

i got so sad because i love you guys so much.

damn.

?

2007-11-17T23:01:00.000-05:00

i feel like i've been sold a bill of goods.
i feel like i bought into a myth and it's destruction, or rather, my growing awareness that it is a myth, it frightening and depressing me.
what i thought being "grown" "up" is, isn't. there is no "grown" "up"
it is a process that begins when you aren't looking. i don't know if it ends. if i someday will feel "all grown up"
i
keep expecting things to happen that will not happen. then when they don't, i blame or doubt or question myself. when it. is. all. a. myth.

the good guys don't always win
you don't figure out what you want out of life and get it
there aren't always happy endings
instead it's a gradual process of gaining and losing

sometimes you win. you do something and even impress yourself
other times you feel a failure - when the thing you thought you'd have you just don't have.
i feel like it's my fault i don't have 2.2 kids, a dog and a significant other.
on some levels, i don't care - well, i don't care that i don't match everyone else. i know it's ok to be different and i am happy being the odd one out of many things.
what i don't like is, when the lonliness does hit, i feel like being alone means i failed.
i did something wrong.
i don't think i did anything wrong - made too many mistakes. but i feel like i did.

is there some process we are supposed to go thru? some obstacle course or slalom run where once it is completed we are fully realized, fully ourselves?

of course not. there's no plan i was designed to follow. there isn't really a right choice in any decision. what's right is what's right for me. right?

the thing that has be depressed is that it hit me tonight how transient things are. how no matter how happy you are right now, how perfect this moment in time or life things are, they will change. those friends who you love and and fascinated by and can't get enough of will someday leave you, or you will leave them.

they will marry, they will move, some slight will occur or an accidental incident will damage the trust, sometimes these things end badly, other times well - and the "friendship" will last over distances of geography and time, but

even if it lasts, it won't be the same. monthly calls vs daily chats, weekly emails instead of weekly potlucks. the sentiment is there, but the intensity, the real intimacy, can't exist anymore. and new connections must be made, the cycle repeated.

as i have said many times when contemplating the possibility of love, one's heart can't be pliable and open to these emotions forever. how many times can that intimacy be created, only to be lost? like lovers, like friends. how many times?

yeah, i know....have a more positive attitude. things will be better. you just feel down right now. Sure, i feel down right now, but it seems pretty honest to me that this is what happens and it does deserve mourning. These great relationships, both friend and lover, are born, flourish and fade. Yes it can be exciting to cultivate new friendships. but it can also be exhausting. how many times should you exhaust yourself and how do you know who to do it for?

well, 40 minutes until the end of my 34th birthday. an insignificant number on many levels. not ending in 5 or 0,

that number makes me feel really ensconced in the age that i age. ripening into it. really, really in my 30's. 1 year from 50% reduction in fertility. highly likely that if i marry it will not end in divorce, at least compared to a 24 year old, i am 5% more likely to get breast cancer than i was ten years ago, and many other stats i can't find now bc i am tired.

nite

lovely afternoon

2007-11-14T23:38:00.000-05:00

well, this week has been going quite well. i was sick on monday so rested and was mentally fresh for the (short) week. wouldn't it be nice to be able to do that more often?

anyway, i left my school a little early today for a meeting across town at another school. i couldn't believe it though, when that faculty meeting was over for the day, i knew that MY faculty meeting was just beginning across town. wow. we really do work later than most teachers. no wonder i feel so tired at the end of the day.

so, with my extra hour, i hurried home, put on sneakers & assorted ugly exercise wear, and actually ran down my street. (never have i done such a thing. it must have been the amazing weather coupled with the extra time euphoria) i jogged (very, very slowly) to the ymca.

the y is this place i pay to exist. every once in a while i go to make sure my money is going to an actual place. but i wouldn't say i utilize my gym membership effectively. it's definitely a nice place to pay to exist, but some of the bibly-stuff does bug me.

well, i went in and signed in on the computer (great charting of fitness progress - token fitpoint economy, i live for external evaluations) I hit "print" b/c it had been so long i wanted to see a printout of my routine - luckily the computer remembers it for you but i do still like the paper.

After i logged my jog into the computer, and my yoga class from last monday - the screen Lit UP. Fireworks went off! Balloons floated. By jogging here. Oh, the positive feedback that jog earned simply by being the last thing i did before this exciting moment. I just got to the NEXT LEVEL of fitpoints! (by next i mean first.) i got to the first level and man i was pleased.

it was cool. the machine celebrated me. i felt proud. (i told you i like the token economy, yes i am a sucker) The lady waiting to use the computer was not impressed however. well, sorry blue-level or whatever you are. after my digital party, i ran through a few lower body exercises, switched to upper when the lower machines were full and generally worked out some muscles. i even stretched out the ones that needed it before i left the gym.

i finished, logged the workout, and walked proudly out the door. without pausing i broke into a steady jog. it felt nice. even my crappy lungs seeking more air than i could provide felt good. i jogged all the way home, not walking even a step. i felt mighty.

ok. so here i was wearing these old brown pants that i like to sleep in, have painted in, and now have worked out in. An old-school green Tandem tshirt with the tree on in. black sneakers. and my hair was in 2 ponytails. the hottest kid on the block, i know.

so, why did some ass beep his horn at me? and even better, he was stopped at a light. i could have (and probably should have) gone over and asked him if he'd ever gotten a positive response from that kind of behavior. but all he'd be is happy that he got attention.

Instead I jogged another half-block or so, remarking to a passing pair of women that "men suck" to which one replied, "you just figured that out?". Retrospectively, they may not have known what i was referring to. After this exchange I was full of righteous indignation (ri) and, far enough away for the driver to not hear me, and i turned and postured angrily with a what-the-fuck expression on my face. man. I sure showed him. he didn't turn his car around and come back.

the ri fueled me right back to my porch where i even stretched out all muscles that needed stretching, showered, and went to my friend's for a lovely home-made split pea and ham soup dinner.

Then A and i went to see a bad play. it's too fresh a wound to write about now. Perhaps A has a comment or two to share on that sore subject.

home again after fruitless commentary to performer, couch time, kitten time (he is so sweet) and now, at long lateness, bedtime.

dispointment

2007-11-14T06:51:00.000-05:00

weekend bliss,

i have been talking to folks about the Steve Keene exhibit since I found the card advertising it on the counter at mill mountain coffee in downtown roanoke. i couldn't wait to see his work b/c i was sad i never bought something when i saw him in philly. how happy i was when i found 3 of his cville paintings in the basement of a house i rented - i can see then now from my spot on my couch. i wanted to talk to him about the backdrop of a play he painted back in the 90's. a backdrop i still have (well, have access to).

i decided to go on the last day - the last day he was an artist in residence - because i work during the week and i figured he'd need a little time in the area to make some good work using local images.

his paintings from 1992 that i have, well, none of them are local imagery but when he was onsite in philly he painted local images so i have reason to think he'll do a few - the star, that biscuit tin sign on a wall on church street - anything really. just want to have some roanoke sk for my wall.

so the card says in BIG letters

Olin Gallery

October 26-November 16, 2007

(but I knew they were trying to trick me with the large font so i read further:

centered below information about an artist lecture and the opening reception (i have no interest in art gatherings) I saw this:

*Artist in Residence October 26-November 10*
Steve Keene will be painting onsite during his residency at Roanoke College.
*Extended Gallery Hours: 10-5 pm everyday including weekends*

(oh, the top line is also underlined, but I don't know how to make an underline on this blog)

So imagine my surprise when I get to the gallery at a few minutes after noon on Saturday the 10th of November to find it dark. After chatting with the 3 people I had brought with me and the 4 who were already there waiting (2 "grownups", 2 students), one of the waiting students went to find someone to unlock the gallery.

Security showed up and told us it didn't open until 1, couldn't we see the info on the door of the gallery? Huh? Saturday the 10th is a weekend within the dates the show runs. I checked a poster in the hall. Nope, I'm not crazy.

Well so, ok, for some reason they aren't following the info on the card. That's cool. But now I am nervous. I really want to see the artist in residence, say hello, perhaps grab an iconic painting of this area that he made while in residence, painting onsite, as the card and posters all indicate, and go on my way. Will I get to do this? Bad feeling in my gut.

While waiting for 1 pm we wander over to a building that has an info desk in it. I'm not familiar with the college so don't know the name.

The student at the desk (who tries her hardest despite having a bad cold) has never heard of this show, has no phone numbers to call except the one on the poster i brought over to her (though she doesn't call it since it is the number for Olin Gallery, which we know is closed).

After fruitless conversation, we go back to the gallery. Now unlocked it contains:

1 student who has absolutely NO information about anything
2 giant frames for displaying s.k. work
a big silver box for collecting $
4 teeny tiny paintings
a nice show (ironically, i know most of the folks who's pieces are displayed)

it does not contain an artist in residence.
it does not contain work that reflects any local sights
it does not contain any indication that said artist will return any time soon.
it contains many disappointed gallery-goers. We exchanged stories about how far we had driven. it was a very mini-tragedy, but a tragedy nonetheless.

So - the 3 people i brought with me, the 4 we met in the hall and the 6-8 others we encountered while we were there sadly looked around thoroughly. glumly. bummer-edly. ok, so a couple of them didn't seem to care, but they also didn't know about the show in advance and were just there to see whatever might be going on.

So, mlogan at roanoke dot edu, I send you my tale of woe. Many hopes that it helps you remedy this with future shows, as, alack, there is nothing that can be done about it now.

bp
excville
current r'noker

Can i really be reading this right?

2007-11-11T22:50:00.000-05:00

4 Day Package Tour - Monteverde and Arenal Highlights Costa Rica Vacation Holiday Spend 4 days exploring the beautiful areas of Monteverde and La Fortuna. See amazing cloud forests, waterfalls, nature reserves, local farms, wildlife, volcanoes, hot springs and waterfalls. The tour starts with a pick-up from San Jose by private transport. Forget the worries about public buses and safety. Meet up with the Desafio staff member who will be over- seeing your tour and will give you advice and tips about the area.

Minimum 2 people (Double occupancy): $457 per person - Group rate of $390 per person with four or more people

Dates of trip: We can schedule dates by request.

Included on Trip: All accommodation except in San Jose, all transport, all tours in the itinerary and English speaking
guides.

Not Included: Flights to Costa Rica, hotels in San Jose*, meals, optional tours or transportation to other tours.

WOW, who's coming with me?

Oh - sky auction has a flight for around $280. seriously. who's in? I can wait til summer instead of going over spring break (the last week in march 08) just let me know.

a moment

2007-11-10T09:57:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting in a restaurant. there are 4 of us. 3 are guys. conversations are attempted, efforts thwarted by exuberance for the sound of one voice. That voice tries, strives to make a joke, share a thought, be included. Inappropriate jokes crash and burn.

Maybe it's a case of too much information too young. The voice, this young voice is so eager to prove it's experience, eloquence, intelligence, "coolness".

And this eager energy serves to isolate it. self-defeating.

It made me so mad. We made a small joke about Hooters, the restaurant, my kind friend who I know and trust made me briefly uncomfortable by staring at my chest. ha ha. He stopped. I think it was quite clear how funny I found it.

New voice decided it was funny, so did it too. I told him to stop. Later he did it again. I told him to stop. He laughed off his rudeness by joking he'd brought the conversation full circle.

Why didn't I tell him how I really felt? That he doesn't know me and actions like those to a basic stranger are rude, offensive, fucking shitty. Dammit. i am so pissed off.

I ached for his social insecurity and stupid people tricks
attempting inclusion through being the life of the party
i resemble something of his attention seeking
and hate that
am i pitiful?
Was i pitiful?
So I couldn't tell him.

that and the being a wimp part.
i can send food back, embarrassing all my friends
but i can't tell you, a stranger who I may never see again, that you made me feel bad

well, now the world knows, stupid insecure guy, that you suck.

thank you internet.
maybe someday i'll tell someone about this blog and then he'll really be sorry.

Afterthought - he just needs to listen more, relax more, look for social cues to follow, have respect for the world he has entered and let them grow to respect him through the experience of him, not through his own opinion of himself. arg. so he doesn't suck. he is just young and needs to learn. Oh, and to not be so obvious about only wanting to meet women. Every woman I know received his business card. I can't think of a man who did.

tired...not rested...should i go to china?

2007-11-08T00:29:00.000-05:00

sleepy but feeling better.

chiropractic visit this after-school evening which was very nice. we got to chat, which happens less as her business grows. i think i may be close to better soon.

so tired. but i swore i would write this every day so am awake for a little while with a purpose. oddly, i haven't told a soul about it yet. that's funny. who am i writing to?

Issue of the week: My cousin and his wife are currently living in china and i was thinking about going to visit next summer (joy of being a teacher = summer off)

Dad of course suggests that if i go i should come back by another route, thus going around the world.

would that be crazy?
it sounds so cool and exciting and freakin' fantastic
and like a huge mega-ton of planning
and kinda lonely
and oh my word the cost will be outrageous, (incredible, unbelievable....)
i am a very social loner, or a very independent social butterfly. i don't know if i'd be happy traveling alone for an entire summer. you can't very well travel with your new friends if you have to stay on your air itinerary the whole time.

i think i could save up enough for it.

i wonder if i should go? i have quite a few concerns. Every whatif ever whatifed has been singing in my ear. i mustdo a lot of research before making this decision.

By the way, i spent a semester abroad (spain), traveled to france (twice), england (once), drove cross the us (continental) alone, drove to alaska with a friend, only have 13 states left to visit before i'll have visited them all. so although this trip is an intimidating venture, that's not exactly the source of my ambivalence. It is harder to picture running off for fun like I used to, due to more formal obligations. I do think most of those are surmountable though. Perhaps the shear distance is causing me to worry this time.

someone once said that they were saving a particular trip for when they got married. well i used to save things for when i got married and then one day i realized i was sitting on my butt and my life was passing me by. i think though that this is one thing I could save to do with a partner. it seems a bit too much to take on on my own at this time. (stop making me feel like a loser, i've done a lot, haven't i?)

yesterday

2007-11-07T00:50:00.000-05:00

is today. it is all the same.
no time, no time.
i have time, i just choose to spend it in not enough ways. (too many ways)

today - conferences at 2 schools, driving between them, translating and then running out the door to get to another one. then

racing to the car to drive to ctown to see Sting...STING. Live in concert right in front of me, not 12 feet away. oh Wow. What a great fun wonderful blast. We pretended we loved the first band, though I didn't. Sting's son's band opened - he didn't seem to sure of himself to me.

well, it's too late to write this but since it's officially ridiculously late in my head i don't care and it counts. duh.

new friends

2007-11-05T23:01:00.000-05:00

i have been reading starhillgirl's blog and truly been enjoying the chance to hear her voice. I like this world where you can be close and still far away.

Well, thru her I discovered that it is blog month. I have been trying to get myself to write more recently and this seems like a good way to get it going. of course, it is too late to be truly an entire month (and i will never be in the same class as her and her ilk) but i think i should try to write a little.

i was planning on going to yoga tonight. i invited my friend from work. I'll call her Frindle (I like the code names). Anyway, she doesn't go out after dark (I am helping her change that!) so this yoga night was actually a kind of big deal.

Moments before she arrived at my house i got a call that my dear, flaky yoga teacher wasn't feeling like practicing tonight. Ug. I felt bad but we adapted. A short walk and then Wild Flour dinner. Besido (another code name!) arrived and off we set.

Frindle was nervous. She doesn't walk much in the city, particularly downtown. A lot of people around here really think downtown is dangerous. I guess, although Roanoke is small, it can be scary. It's actually an oddly urban environment with a lot of poverty. She did great though. I didn't make her walk through the park (though i was tempted). I am not a mean person. I just like to force myself through fears. That doesn't work for everyone though.

Anyway, we had called a good walk. Frindle and I talked to each other while Besido answered the ringing of absentee yoga teacher's call and let her know how much we like her class. Teacher was feeling angsty because she hasn't been practicing outside of our classes. I think Besido managed to let her know that we really enjoy what she does and really prefer Her to Not Her. She leads a wonderful class and we like what she does. Maybe we should just practice together and not call it a class and then she will feel better about it.

Arriving at the restaurant we sat and ordered our complicated water (no ice). Our new friend joined us (i can't come up with a code name yet. I will call her Letter A for now). We had a really nice time getting to know each other.

four women
one married with kids, 33
one single, 33
one married but separated, 34
one in a long-term relationship, 28

all happy and unhappy
all wondering
all lost and found
all not quite sure
all on there way

Letter A referred me to Chris' Rock's stand-up: married and boring vs single and lonely
It's not that black and white. We are all so different. We are all so interesting. I love it.

i wonder what the future will bring me
i wish i could still have the sense of permanence i had as a youngun before i knew better
but today, this night, was so perfect.
i like to think it will carry on.
but us humans with our personalities and our needs and our loves will move on (funny, i meant to say lives not loves but i think it works that way too)

i have a fortune i carry in my wallet
it's easy to make friends but difficult to keep them

i agree. and now i need to go to sleep. student teacher conferences and the police concert will tire me tomorrow!